You don’t need a dodgy excuse to get out of a bad date

Each week, Good Weekend’s how-to column shares expert advice on how to navigate some of modern life’s big – and small – challenges. This week: How to get out of a bad date.

“First dates don’t set you up for success,” says Alice Child, a sexologist, couples counsellor and founder of Sydney’s Bedrock clinic. “If you think about how chemistry happens, even in friendships, it’s not through interviewing each other about your upbringing or your job.”

Valid point. In the past – before I became a happily married man – I’d have a mate on speed-dial who’d feed me an excuse to bail on a bad date: the smoke alarm’s gone off, my little brother’s drunk and needs picking up. Child isn’t a fan of this method, branding it “quite cowardly”. Unsurprisingly, for someone who espouses honest communication between partners, she prefers talking.

“If you have the integrity and confidence to be clear with someone, they’re going to appreciate that far more than you just making something up and running off,” Child explains. “Something like, ‘Thanks for a great night, but I’m going to go home before dessert’, doesn’t mean that they’re the worst, just that the fit isn’t right.”

There’s also the artificial deadline. “It can be helpful to have an end point,” she says. ” ‘All right, let’s go for a drink, but I’ve got to be somewhere by 9pm.’ ”

Child is also a big believer in daytime dates, which release some of the pressure of a debut rendezvous: “It lowers the stakes: a morning coffee helps you check the vibes before committing to dinner.”

But if you’re stuck with a bore – or worse, a boor – you can still resort to a dramatic exit. Spill a full glass of wine or, hey, even pretend to faint. “It makes you think of people who date for the plot,” says Child, laughing. ” ‘I had a bad time, but it was worth it for the stories that I get to tell my friends.’ Modern dating can be brutal.”

Why do so many of us endure bad first dates anyway? Remember that just because someone buys you dinner, it doesn’t mean you owe them anything. “We can withdraw our consent on a date in just the same way we can withdraw our consent during sex,” says Child. “Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t very good at listening to their inner voice.”

Plus, it’s always harder to make up your mind about a date when you’re sitting face to face with them. “Go to the bathroom, take a break, reset,” she advises. “Think, ‘Do I like this person?’ ”

Or perhaps the more pressing question is this: “Am I willing to ruin this outfit by deliberately knocking a glass of wine over it?”

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