Why healing from estrangement doesn’t always mean reconciliation

Experts say healing from estrangement is possible, whether that leads to reconciliation or emotional peace. (Pexels)

Estrangement is a painful and complex relationship experience, whether you've become estranged or are the one who has cut ties with a loved one.

Our recent story about the ambiguous loss that comes from family estrangement prompted many of you to share your own experiences.

We asked experts how you can begin healing from estrangement, whether that is through reconciliation or finding peace in accepting the relationship breakdown.

Estrangement is the emotional or physical separation between people where a formerly close relationship becomes distant, hostile, or ceases entirely.

Counsellor Poli Zoungas, who works on Gadigal land in Sydney and in Naarm/Melbourne, says estrangement may involve:

Poli Zoungas says sometimes reconciliation is not safe or appropriate.

She says family estrangement is especially common, but it can also occur in romantic relationships, friendships, and workplace dynamics.

It often carries feelings of "grief, anger, shame, self-doubt, relief, and unresolved longing".

"For many people, estrangement is not a single event but the result of long-term conflict, unmet emotional needs, boundary violations, or deep misunderstandings," Ms Zoungas says.

Rachael Sharman, a lecturer and researcher in psychology from the University of the Sunshine Coast, on Kabi Kabi lands, recommends people impacted by estrangement seek professional support.

She says that could be through a counsellor, a psychologist, or a helpline.

"It's not necessarily to deal with your emotions, it's just to add a bit of an objective framework," she says.

"Counsellors or psychologists are very skilled at seeing patterns and dynamics that you can't.

"And then people can see a little bit more clearly what's going on in the relationship."

Dr Sharman says that can also help people make decisions about whether they wish to continue the estrangement or if reconciliation is possible.

Ms Zoungas says healing does not always mean reconciliation; it can be reducing emotional distress, gaining clarity and learning healthier ways to relate to others and to yourself.

"The healing exists through time, which allows for a calming," she says.

"Whether you are seeking reconciliation, understanding, or peace … you do not have to navigate estrangement alone."

After initiating a year-long estrangement from her parents, Anna, from New South Wales says she was "tired from the weight of the family hurt".

"I've spent a small fortune on therapy over the years," says