Why ‘quiet quitting’ your friends might be doing more harm than good

Each week, Good Weekend’s how-to column shares expert advice on how to navigate some of modern life’s big – and small – challenges. This week: How to end a friendship.

To end an enduring friendship, you have three options, says Scout Smith-O’Leary, a Sydney-based counsellor and psychotherapist. The first is The Fade Out. In the workplace, we’d call it “quiet quitting”. It’s by far the most popular, she says, because, at heart, we’re quite conflict-avoidant.

Smith-O’Leary – whose business, The Love Scout, offers relationship counselling but also specialises in the breakdown of platonic friendships – warns this method can come at a high emotional cost. “Humans not understanding stuff can be super-torturous,” she says. “Any kind of significant relationship ending, platonic or romantic, wears on our hearts.”

The Fade Out involves slowly reducing the invites you accept from your friend and, over time, not issuing them. Sometimes, the friend gets the message and withdraws. There can also be an organic “mutual fade out”.

The next option is The Letter. Smith-O’Leary is a fan of this one, but acknowledges it packs an emotional punch: “I cry when writing them. I cry when delivering them. I cry when the people read them,” she says. “It’s grief; it’s brutal.”

The Letter is a document, NOT a social-media message. It slows down the process, allowing you to intentionally compose your thoughts. And the receiver has space to reflect and respond in their time.

What do you say? Perhaps that you still love or care for them, but you’ve grown apart. Perhaps your lives have moved in different directions. You now have three kids and two dogs and you just don’t do recreational drugs anymore. Or you value different things and the Carnivorous Plant Society meetings are no longer a priority.

Sometimes, says Smith-O’Leary, a letter sets boundaries, especially when writing to a friend with addiction issues. “It’s about respect, self-love and not overextending oneself,” she says.

The last option, The Talk, isn’t for the faint-hearted. Prepare the ground, say you want to chat about something important. Be aware that emotions may run high. If that happens, take a break and resume when you’re both calmer. Remember: friends are there for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Smith-O’Leary, who’s lived in San Francisco, uses the metaphor of its famous cable cars. Some people jump on and off your tram, others ride all the way to the top. “Some people sneak out the back door. They won’t even say goodbye,” she says. “But your tram keeps going, and you know nothing of who will ride with y