A couple’s chitchat ruined a night out. What can make them stop?

A: Seeing a musical isn’t a cheap night out. You’ve got to pay for pricey tickets, babysitting, pre-show dinner, theatre programs, interval drinks, a kooky, show-branded keep-cup from the merch table, overpriced petrol because of Trump and the Strait of Hormuz, and a parking fine because you parked in a No Standing zone to avoid a parking station and your partner yelled at you the whole way home. And, finally, a costly divorce because the car-yelling led to a huge fight that exposed long-standing, underlying issues and now you’ve lost half of everything, including your savings, superannuation and that kooky, show-branded keep-cup.

But what if chatterers refuse to shush? Tricky. Getting up to look for an usher will just disturb everyone in your row and distract the performers on stage. And the usher won’t be any help: they’re not paid enough to deal with confrontation, so they’ll pretend to get their manager and run off to catch a train home. Better to attempt your own hammy, stage-musical acting: start sobbing and whisper, “Hey … tonight is, potentially, my last night of happiness before a lifetime of spousal maintenance, child support and loneliness. Please let me enjoy the show. I beg you.”

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